Most parents know what it feels like to be bombarded with unsolicited advice about raising kids. This guidance can range from semi-helpful to totally useless to absolutely baffling.
But sometimes parents share real nuggets of wisdom with each other … especially on Twitter.
We’ve rounded up the best (and funniest) “parenting tips” that parents have tweeted. Keep scrolling for some hilariously real and useful advice.
Parenting tip: maybe don't leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room.
— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) August 1, 2016
Parenting Pro Tip: Never take a toddler's word for it
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 21, 2014
Parenting tip: Take kids to pumpkin patch. Let them pick out any pumpkin. but make them carry it to the car. They'll never want to go again.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 4, 2015
Parenting tip: when ur kids start crying, start bawling bigger & badder. Soon, they will stop crying & turn their concerns to your welfare.
— Contwixt Nick (@Contwixt) September 23, 2016
Parenting tip: No good ever comes from a toddler sitting naked on the couch.
— Sara (@smilely_gal) December 16, 2015
Parenting Pro-Tip: Don't talk about yourself as a failure of a parent…. to your children.
— Lucky Charms (@IanMenard) September 17, 2016
Parenting tip: Wine.
— MOM. MOM. MOM. (@FrozenSighs) December 31, 2011
Parenting tip: Have two kids so you can keep your lazy butt in the car & say, "Go get your brother" when picking one up at a friends house.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 5, 2016
Parenting Tip: when your child tells you he is having bad dreams, "It's okay, Pal, reality is much scarier" will not comfort him.
— My Meh Precedes Me (@TheAlexNevil) November 10, 2015
Tonight's parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, "I'm going to puke," FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2015
Parenting tip: if you want to get your kids ready to leave the house faster, relentlessly song 'All That Jazz' in a Billie Holiday voice.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) April 27, 2013
Parenting tip: Hide the matches to a dozen socks and ask the kids to find them. Now go sit and enjoy a hot cup of coffee. You're welcome.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) May 22, 2015
Parenting tip: telling a three-year-old that her dried-up markers are a "first world problem" will not stop her from crying.
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) September 26, 2011
Parenting Tip #12 It's ok to justify not meeting any of your goals, with, "At least I remembered to feed the kids."
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 20, 2011
A little parenting tip: If you don't know where your children are in the house… Turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.
— J. Jewels (@realjjewels) September 20, 2016
Parenting tip: when your kid insists on "playing trains" pretend to be Henry stuck in a tunnel. Then you don't have to move or do anything.
— Alice (@alicere) September 27, 2016
Parenting tip: tease your kids' hair so at the very least they can be well-beehived.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 9, 2012
PARENTING TIP: train your kids to kill spiders so THEY can be the ones to do it.
— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) March 1, 2013
Parenting tip: Fill a Piñata with mushrooms then sit back and watch as your children learn a cruel, but valuable lesson about real life.
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 2, 2013
Parenting survival tip: Wear clothes that match the furniture. My kids can’t find me because I look like I’m part of the couch
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 23, 2013
Parenting pro tip: no need to baby proof the house for your crawling daughter. Just put her in a dress and render her immobile.
— Will (@willgoldstein) July 13, 2016
Parenting tip: The pediatric dentist will not pre-drill holes for your infant's teeth to grow into, no matter how much you need to sleep.
— RollOverandPlayDad (@AndPlayDad) March 26, 2013
Parenting tip: end the ABC song "Thanks for singing this w/ me" not "Next time won't you sing w/ me." Then you don't have to sing it again.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 3, 2011
Parenting tip: If your 2 year old calls you in from another room to tell you she's "not poopie," there's a 100% chance she's lying.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) February 1, 2013
Parenting Tip: chanting "Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever u may be take this child of mine far away from me!" doesn't work I already tried
— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) April 15, 2015
Parenting tip: Tell your kids all the food you want to keep for yourself is spicy.
"Sorry, son, this Dilly Bar is spicy."
— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) June 22, 2015
Parenting Pro Tip: BUY ALL THE TISSUES.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 16, 2013
Parenting tip: Emphasizing the need to keep your children on a schedule makes it easier to say no when you get invited to stuff.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2015
Parenting tip: when a child says "I picked it up and put it right back"…'right back' really means a 30 foot radius where it may be hidden.
— Nathan Chivington (@CoachChiv) July 26, 2016
Parenting tip: After your first child is born, go buy 20 years worth of poster board. This will save you countless 10:00 PM trips to CVS.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 24, 2016
Parenting tip: if you're questioning your stock even a little, just buy another bottle of ketchup.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 15, 2015
Parenting Tip: Don't ask your toddler if she would share one bite of her ice cream in order to save your life.
— Karri-Leigh (@karri_leigh) August 28, 2013
Parenting Pro Tip: If you can't tell if they're laughing or crying, play it safe and keep your distance. Add music, headphones, a blender.
— Just Linda (@LindaInDisguise) March 17, 2013
Parenting tip: do not let your four-year-old watch "Tangled" and leave her anywhere near scissors.
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) January 20, 2012
Parenting lesson of the day.
When pouring your guts out to the baby at 3:00 am, make sure the monitor is turned off.
— RollOverandPlayDad (@AndPlayDad) December 16, 2012
Parenting tip: Cherish the day you buy your first minivan because that will be the last day it is ever clean.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 9, 2016
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