Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways — so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
This week, we’re so happy to welcome guest curator, Melissa Sher, a Best Parenting Tweets veteran with a knack for humor who speaks the truth about parenthood on her blog, Mammalingo, and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read her selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @thismelissasher on Twitter for more!
My dad once told me, "Don’t feel bad if you strike out. That just means we can get out of here sooner.” #Dadvice
— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) June 11, 2014
Wife: "Hey, Boone, do you want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast?" Boone: "What do ninjas eat?"
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) June 9, 2014
I’m, son come and show me how this thing works! "years old"
— Miniwheats (@Miniwheats2012) June 11, 2014
Me: What’s the opposite of tall?
Me: What’s the opposite of fast?
Me: What’s the opposite of fun?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2014
Confession: sometimes I encourage cheating at Candy Land, because it makes the game end sooner.
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) June 11, 2014
*watches son shoot himself in the face with a rubber band*
*tells wife not to expect any "my child is an honor student" bumper stickers*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2014
"Stop competing with each other," I yell at my kids way louder than they can.
— Kalvin Macleod (@KalvinMacleod) June 11, 2014
Possible sign that I’m failing as a dad: my son hit me in the groin as a joke & then didn’t get why I was in excruciating pain.
— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) June 9, 2014
I am outraged my daughter was shown The Karate Kid in school today. It was the new one.
— Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms) June 13, 2014
I already know my daughter’s quality of life will exceed mine because she escaped the 6th grade without a perm.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 11, 2014
ZOEY: Was the planet Pluto named after the dog?
ME: Yes, they named the planet that’s been around for billions of years after the dog.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) June 10, 2014
X just told me I’m getting on his last nerve. Because I am making him button his own shirt.
— Cheryl P. Stober (@cherylstober) June 10, 2014
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
— charliecapen (@charliecapen) June 10, 2014
Just spent an hour attempting to explain to my 3 year the difference between Baltimore and Voldemort.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) June 10, 2014
It is so weird that I have a 4yo child. Not because it makes me feel old, but because it’s amazing I’ve kept him alive that long.
— Nate Smith (@bestnatesmith) June 12, 2014
I just saw a family with 4 very unhappy adolescents at a highway rest stop. I’ve seen my future and it’s everything I dreamed it would be.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 8, 2014
2yo won’t look at me because I just tried to tell her the song doesn’t actually go: "ashes ashes, we all freak out!"
Why do I bother?
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) June 9, 2014
I"m taking 3 kids to the zoo. I’m telling you that now in case something appears on the news later.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) June 12, 2014
My 10 year-old thinks "WTF" means "Where’s the food?" and the day he finds out differently I will take to my bed.
— Jeni (@highlyirritable) June 12, 2014
If you have a 5 year who wipes their own ass, I’d like to sign up for your parenting classes.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) June 11, 2014
Toddlers, can’t live with em’, can’t convince them to play in the dog kennel a little longer while you make dinner.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 12, 2014
4yo: "(unintelligible mumbling)"
4yo, annoyed: "I SAID THAT I CAN’T TALK BECAUSE I’M PUTTING MY CHIN ON THE BATHTUB!!"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 8, 2014
Parenthood can be described in one word.
— SHANtilly Lace (@shashaintl) June 11, 2014
Being a mom means there is never enough time in the day and even worse there is never enough sleep in the night.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) June 11, 2014
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