We’ve reached the point in the 2020 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament when I’ve lost complete control of the whole damn thing. Maybe that’s why it’s been a full two weeks since the Elite 8, or maybe I’m just getting tired of doing this thing, or maybe I just completely forgot about it. Who can really know for sure? Oh, I can? Well, I’m not telling.
Anyway, in the Elite 8, the voting tampering hit a fever pitch, as all four matchups had over 2,500 votes, which is about five times the normal amount of votes any given matchup gets. Someone—or something—is stuffing the ballots.
No clearer was the malfeasances than with this year’s bane-of-my-existence Dan Skipper. Every tournament there seems to be one name that gets further than I expected, and as soon as I express my displeasure for that result, someone comes in and makes sure that discontent continues for as long as possible. At least one of you out there is the rainy cloud that follows me wherever I go.
But I will not fight hate with hate. In my heart I know you’re just the elementary school child that flirts with a girl the only way his underdeveloped brain knows how: by bullying. In which case, I’m actually quite flattered.
NOW, STOP VOTING FOR FRIGGIN DAN SKIPPER.
Here is your Final Four:
2. Halapoulivaati Vaitai vs. 2. Olive Sagapolu
Okay, y’all at least didn’t screw up this half of the bracket. This semi-final includes two of the most fun names to say on the entire team. I will keep reiterating this point until 100 percent of Detroit Lions fans know this fact: Halapoulivaati Vaitai’s name can be sung to the tune of “Play that Funky Music (White Boy).” Try it.
Meanwhile, Olive spits in the face of the worst food on the planet and pronounces it “oh-lee-vay.” For that, I’m forever grateful. Then, his last name proves as a litmus test. If you’re the kind of person that is a horrible planner or just lives life in the moment, you’re probably going to pronounce it sah-gah-poe-loo. NOPE. Real friends know it’s SUNG-uh-poe-loo. If the Sagapolu actually makes an impact on the team this year, it will be a quick way to tell which NFL announcers showed up on Sunday after doing their homework all week and which announcers simply read the cliff notes on the Lions and essentially cheater their way into the broadcasting booth.
If this reads like a scorned student who actually put in the work in school and read the entirety of the books assigned to us, but still ended up getting the same grades as people who just crammed last-minute with some cheat sheet—nuh-uh. Couldn’t be me.
Who has the better name?
448 votes total
7. Dee Virgin vs. 7. Dan Skipper
I hate this matchup. We could have had Quintez Cephus vs. Beau Benzschawel—two amazing, unique names that we may never see the likes of again. Not to mention those are literally the only two names with a Z in them. It would have been a semi-finals to remember.
But, instead, we’re left with the Beavis and Butthead-approved Dee Virgin vs. gee-golly-gosh Dan Skipper. One name leads to the entire fanbase cyberbullying their own player, the other is just cyberbullying me.
Well, at least we get to find out the answer to this question: What is stronger in the Lions’ fanbase: Their infantile sense of humor or their eagerness to disappoint me?
Let me know:
Who has the better name?
436 votes total