Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
FYI: If there is something on the floor that can crumble into a million pieces, a toddler will step on it 1 second before you can get to it.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 27, 2016
You don't know true love until you have kids.
What? No! I was talking about loving sleep. What did you think I meant?
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 29, 2016
The point when my 6yos stop liking a cereal is directly correlated to when I buy a giant box of it at Costco.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 29, 2016
If you're wondering how awesome my summer break is going, my kid just found a harmonica.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2016
This summer all I ask of my kids is that they brush their teeth before noon.
Still don't know if it's gonna happen.
— Stacey Gill (@OneFunnyMotha) June 28, 2016
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2016
It's the last day of school where do I put my kid tomorrow
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) June 28, 2016
If you think Twitter has tons of people craving attention & validation allow me to introduce you to kids doing tricks in a swimming pool.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 29, 2016
"Daddy, I had a nightmare that you were cooking."
"That's cold, kiddo…"
"Actually you burned something."
"That's not what I meant."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) June 28, 2016
Me: I'll make you lunch in a half an hour
8: Has it been a half an hour?
Me: It's been literally six seconds
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 26, 2016
The great thing about having teens who sleep until noon is I only have to feed them 2 meals a day.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 28, 2016
4yo: dad, can you help me put my swimsuit on?
Me: you can do that on your own.
4yo: I know. But I'd rather you get tired than me or mommy.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 25, 2016
Toddlers: Apparently the most comfortable seat in the house is me…
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) June 28, 2016
With six 12yo boys in the car:
The "Dude" to "ANY other word in the English language" ratio is roughly 3:1.
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) June 27, 2016
4yo: "Daddy, would you like one of my blueberries?"
Me: "Thank you for sharing! It's so good!"
4yo: "BAHAHAHAHA… I LICKED IT FIRST!!"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 26, 2016
Me: Most people in the world are good, but there are some bad people out there, too
6: You mean like people who sell broccoli?
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 25, 2016
Summer break from the Latin root sumus breakus meaning can I have a snack.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 27, 2016
When my 8YO came running to the car after camp drop off, figured she'd reconsidered her 'no hugs' stance.
"Mom! I forgot to flush at home."
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) June 30, 2016
dad: "come on, you guys are LATE!!!!"
11yo: "you should have started YELLING at us earlier!"
— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) June 30, 2016
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