Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

FYI: If there is something on the floor that can crumble into a million pieces, a toddler will step on it 1 second before you can get to it.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 27, 2016

You don't know true love until you have kids.

What? No! I was talking about loving sleep. What did you think I meant?

— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) June 29, 2016

The point when my 6yos stop liking a cereal is directly correlated to when I buy a giant box of it at Costco.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 29, 2016

If you're wondering how awesome my summer break is going, my kid just found a harmonica.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2016

Ah. This sheet music must be for the parenting theme song. pic.twitter.com/Xf3jNmiBFN

— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) June 27, 2016

This summer all I ask of my kids is that they brush their teeth before noon.

Still don't know if it's gonna happen.

— Stacey Gill (@OneFunnyMotha) June 28, 2016

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2016

It's the last day of school where do I put my kid tomorrow

— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) June 28, 2016

If you think Twitter has tons of people craving attention & validation allow me to introduce you to kids doing tricks in a swimming pool.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 29, 2016

"Daddy, I had a nightmare that you were cooking."

"That's cold, kiddo…"

"Actually you burned something."

"That's not what I meant."

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) June 28, 2016

Motherhood: when your car also becomes your office. pic.twitter.com/ZmrIYdFSRv

— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) June 27, 2016

Me: I'll make you lunch in a half an hour
8: Has it been a half an hour?
Me: It's been literally six seconds

— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 26, 2016

4: My butt itches!!
Me: Eww! That's gross.
4: No, not the crack!! Just one of my buns.
Me: #thatsmuchbetter

— Diane Huntington (@idtweetforever) June 27, 2016

The great thing about having teens who sleep until noon is I only have to feed them 2 meals a day.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 28, 2016

4yo: dad, can you help me put my swimsuit on?
Me: you can do that on your own.
4yo: I know. But I'd rather you get tired than me or mommy.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 25, 2016

Toddlers: Apparently the most comfortable seat in the house is me…

— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) June 28, 2016

With six 12yo boys in the car:

The "Dude" to "ANY other word in the English language" ratio is roughly 3:1.

— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) June 27, 2016

4yo: "Daddy, would you like one of my blueberries?"
Me: "Thank you for sharing! It's so good!"
4yo: "BAHAHAHAHA… I LICKED IT FIRST!!"

Oh.

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 26, 2016

Me: Most people in the world are good, but there are some bad people out there, too

6: You mean like people who sell broccoli?

Me: Exactly

— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 25, 2016

Summer break from the Latin root sumus breakus meaning can I have a snack.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 27, 2016

When my 8YO came running to the car after camp drop off, figured she'd reconsidered her 'no hugs' stance.

"Mom! I forgot to flush at home."

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) June 30, 2016

dad: "come on, you guys are LATE!!!!"
11yo: "you should have started YELLING at us earlier!"

— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) June 30, 2016