Now we ghostees are alone, let’s talk about the real effect of ghosting. Why do guys ghost? I often think that I wouldn’t be where I am today if 21-year-old Jack from Bristol didn’t go silent on me back in January this year. The hardest part of being ghosted is not knowing what you did or what you didn’t do. Sometimes it’s near impossible to pull your thumbs away from your keyboard when all you want to do is send a shitty drunk text saying “what did I do then” to someone who blanked you, out of nowhere, after three weeks of pure talking phase turmoil.
Luckily for you (unluckily for me), I have been ghosted many a time. I am a seasoned ghostee pro. I can now deal with ghosting in a matter or days, not weeks- the emotional process is one I am too familiar with. The confusion, the denial, the shame, the acceptance. But even then, I struggle with a new ghosting. Laying at wake at night, fretting and tossing to and fro – asking myself “WHY do guys ghost? And why do they keep ghosting ME?” So I vowed to get to the bottom of it.
I messaged boys in the hope that they could explain and justify their actions. From this experiment I hoped that my messages to my ghosters would be the same as me holding up a mirror to make them reflect. Like fuck was it, all it did was show me that boys who have J names have scientifically been proven to be twats and men will never learn from their actions. But nevertheless, let’s dive in.
‘Hinge is a concrete jungle for toxic masculinity’
If I had known Alex was a soft boi with a feminist outlook on dating apps then I would have tried harder with the conversation. He fully went all Florence Given on me and said that dating apps can be brutal for women at times. He said: “I wouldn’t read too much into getting ghosted on dating apps. It happens to me all the time.”
He told me that the answer to “why do guys ghost” is not just male-specific: women and men ghost for the same reasons. The reasons being that conversation runs dry, they decide they’re not that into each other or they’re just chatting because they’re bored. All very valid reasons but what really caught my eye was when he told me his honest opinion of what dating apps are like for women. Alex said: “Hinge is a concrete jungle full of toxic masculinity.” This took my breath away, it’s like next level scholarly vibes.
Alex’s reasons for ghosting were very fair. Almost too fair. They didn’t match up with the occasional instant, crushing ghostings I’ve experienced before. Thanks Alex, but you’re one of the good ones – I want to dig deeper. So deeper I dug.
‘The main reason is they probably don’t want anything serious’
Ashley kept it plain and simple, he actually gave me the exact answer I was looking for. Straight off the bat he told me that he’s “not one for ghosting” which is a lie. Rule one of being a ghoster is that you have to deny you ghost, otherwise you disappearing off into thin air two weeks into the chatting stage won’t have the same wow factor.
Ashley continued to tell me the main reason why men ghost women. He said: “They probably don’t want anything serious. Men will tell you they do so they can fuck you and then ghost you after.” This was very honest and bold, what makes it better is that he included a laughing emoji at the end. Ashley’s answer was not as profound as Alex’s but I think it was actually more honest, which I appreciated.
‘I don’t really ghost women unless it’s obvious they’re not interested’
You know what they say about boys with J names? To avoid them at all costs? James proved that sentiment to be true. When asked why guys ghost, he said that if a girl doesn’t ask him questions about himself then he won’t feel inclined to message her. He then went on to say that sometimes he might go quiet if he decides to delete the app. He said: “If I was at uni still or about to sit an exam then I may delete the app for a bit but I am working so no chance of that!” What a win for the girls!
I then didn’t reply for one hour and he double messaged saying “What you up to? Don’t go ghosting me…” Sorry James, hun, I’ve just deleted the app out of thin air. I have got uni starting up in two weeks, need to get my head in the game.
‘It’s hard for guys to get matches so we just swipe and if it’s a match we then analyse her profile and decide’
I can’t help but feel this was a very scientific outlook on dating apps. In his answer to “why do guys ghost”, Rob told me that he thinks men have it much harder on dating apps compared to women. He said: “I know it’s harder for guys to get matches so I know a lot of guys who swipe right on everyone’s profile and assess it once they have matched and then decide whether to talk to not.”
In my honest opinion, at first I thought his matching method was flawed but then he brought out some rather convincing statistics which swayed me. Rob seems like a dating app hobbit, he assessed his friends swiping too and from this he has managed to gather some solid evidence. He said: “I usually assess each profile but for guys, they probably have a 1 in 50-75 ratio of swiping right and getting a match. I have seen many guys just endlessly swiping right until they get a match and sometimes they don’t even look at the screen.”
Don’t be fooled though, Rob has also assessed women on dating apps and he said they have more success. He told me: “I’ve watched my female friends on Hinge like about 10 men and at least five of them will match. This just goes to show that women can be more selective whereas men don’t have that opportunity.” So ladies, if you get ghosted it may be because they never intended to match with you in the first place – how comforting!
‘For me, it’s when I run out of things to talk about’
This is actually pretty fair in terms of why guys ghost, if I run out of things to say then I just won’t say anything else. This opinion came from Shen who said that he sometimes finds himself chatting for the sake of chatting rather than having the intention of moving forward with things.
He told me: “I will stop replying if I run out of things to say or if the conversation goes dry. It sounds bad but sometimes I just chat for the sake of chatting.” I can’t blame the man, I do this too and to be fair boys can be DRY on dating apps so can we really blame me either?
‘If a girl gets lazy’
Jamie, yes another J, said that if a girl gets lazy with replies then he’ll cut the conversation short. I wonder if Jamie thinks that the girl would happily ghost him but is too nice to do it herself. He’s doing her a favour in my opinion.
Jamie said: “I just get bored of responding and I will move onto the next match or whatever.” After he gave me this minimal response I unmatched with Jamie for poetic justice. Oops x
‘I’ll cut it short if I feel like we’re not compatible’
This one seems brutal but it’s not – not really. It has to be done. But we all know there’s nicer ways to do it than ghosting. When I asked Louis “why do guys ghost?”, at first he asked me if I could define what I meant by the term ‘ghosting’. This is what I said: “I’d define it at someone being in your dm’s a lot and then it either fizzles out until you get no reply back or they just go silent out of nowhere.”
He thanked me for the definition and then proceeded to give me his honest answer. He said: “Sometimes I guess the conversation may just run their course or if I feel like we’re not going to be compatible then I will ghost. Or even if I matched with someone else I’m more into then I’ll go silent.”
Louis seemed to love the question and answer vibe because he asked me my thoughts on what he said. I told him that I agree with the first part and kind of the second, because if it’s only been two days then you don’t owe then any loyalty, but if you start things out with the intention that it will go somewhere then you need to communicate that.
After pouring my heart and soul out to Jamie, guess what happened. He didn’t reply. I was ready to throw in the towel at this point. Alas, I carried on my experiment in the name of science and ghosts.
‘They’re not required to present any form of explanation as to why they’re going to stop talking’
Please believe me when I say this is another J named boy. Of course it is, I’m not even surprised at this point. This stunning opinion came from Jonnie, who “to put it bluntly”, told me that dating apps should make talking virtually exempt from any emotional obligations, like morals I guess.
Jonnie told me: “To put it bluntly, I think many feel that talking virtually makes them exempt from any proper emotional obligations. So if it doesn’t work out in the talking stage then they only see it as a screen. They’re not required to present any form of explanation as to why they’re going to stop talking. Chatting online seems to displace that general basic etiquette. That’s my view at least.” At this point I really wasn’t in the mood to let a J named boy talk to me about etiquette. Especially when he only knows the basic etiquette on how to be a dick.
I can promise all of you – hand on heart that boys with J names are all twats. Genuinely has ruined the letter J for me. We need more men like Alex. Profound, sexy and a king of equality. I feel like I need to get ‘Hinge is a concrete jungle of toxic masculinity’ tattooed somewhere on my body. That really did hit different. Unfortunately though, I won’t keep on talking to Alex. I didn’t actually reply to him. If he messages again I’ll just tell him that I needed a break from the concrete jungle.
The reasons men have for ghosting women are quite similar to the reasons women have for ghosting men. It’s a vicious cycle that can’t be helped. Or at least, it can but only if you’re mega fit and have the most wet conversation known to man. That sounded weird, sorry. Remember though, boys hate dry conversation and will delete the app without warning.
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